it’s not too hard too explain… ok… yeah… let’s sit down

It’s not all that easy talking about bipolar disorder. I mean, when you bring it up most of the time, people just think…. Ehh, my woman or man is bipolar as fuck. But then you start to mention the medication that you take for your mood stabilization, the medication for the depression, then that’s when you get the side look or the look of concern or the “wtf” look. 

That’s also when our disorder kicks in. It could be a wide range of emotions and thoughts that we can’t necessarily control. It could be the mania that compels us to talk at a million miles a hour about every single detail that we know about the disorder or the “what the fuck are you looking at me like I’m crazy for” snap instincts. It could be the brain numbing reaction of us drowning in our thoughts and emotions and us just shrugging it off and walking away. Or it could be the depression and us feeling ridiculed, judged and alone. 

We don’t fucking know. 

Because on the up swing of things… God fucking damn it. We are absolutely super human in most aspects. You will never find someone that loves you deeper or more passionately or more intensely than someone who has no control or limit on the emotion that is their love. We are 1,000,000 miles and running with no signs of slowing. We can conquer any test, any feat and do it with absolute diligence. We will stand a top mount Everest and pound our chest welcoming any and all challenges. 

But just like that. 

In the blink of an eye. 

The very mountain we stood a top pounding our chest on, has become the mountain of insurmountable problems. The diligence has become scrambled, the million miles an hour and running has become a horrific and gruesome wreck. The feeling of invincibility has become weak and pathetic. The ambitious thoughts of tomorrow cannot escape the dreadful thoughts of the moment. 

And we don’t know why. 

See, that’s the thing about bipolar disorder, they are absolutely epic swings of thoughts and emotions that we can not control. Yes, certain settings, people and actions can trigger the swings but for the most part it is all out of our control. There are no magic breathing techniques or focusing goals that really truly help the swing. Medications are out there, but the medications that they do disperse are quick fixes to get you back into the working field of life. Medications that leave you lethargic and almost soul less. 

My name is Jonathan. 

I take mood stabilizing medications. 

I go to work. 

I come home. 

I cook. 

I clean. 

I go to sleep.

My name is Jonathan. 

I take mood stabilizing medications. 

I go to work. 

I come home. 

I cook. 

I clean. 

I go to sleep.

The medications do not address the true needs of a mentally ill person with an beautifully energetic upside and tragically disabling downside. 

I’m really not too sure on the reason of this rant, other than just some insight on a illness that plagues many of us, more than we probably know. But also, hey, if you’re out there and feel the same way, you are not alone. This isn’t something to be ashamed of, or scared of, or under any circumstances a reason that you can’t do something. 

I understand the horrific suicidal lows, the constant thoughts of running away from everything and thoughts of being a burden with all of your emotions and the inability to control them. I understand the manic fits of passion, the constant bombardment of thoughts bursting from your head, the sleepless nights, the inability to focus. All of that and more. 

But then. 

But then there are those brief moments of clarity. 

Those beautiful fucking moments of clarity. 

You need to relish in the fact that you do not have the standard 385 thoughts that a normal brain does a day. That you do not have the standard emotions that just everybody displays. You are surging with 385,000,000 thoughts and emotions a minute. Build yourself from your madness. Find a middle ground and the ability to come back up from the depths and write beautifully about it during your manic stages. Open up and let loose every single thought that you have. EVERY FUCKING EMOTION. The world needs it. 

Because maybe it’s not a mental illness at all, maybe it’s the most purest form of our soul that is trying to push through and we just don’t understand what to do with it. Maybe we don’t need medications. Maybe we need to be admired and understood. Not by the waiting world but by the one riding the massive tidal wave of thoughts and emotions.

You.

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