I grew up without a father. To make matters worse, my mom was a horrible alcoholic that paraded a vast variety of splendid pieces of shit in and out of my life. I often joke that I looked to Juicy J and DJ Paul as fatherly figures in life… And I’m not joking. I had no fucking clue on what it took to be a man. I just knew that the excuses that my mom came home with were the exact opposite of any meaning to be a man. So that’s where I started off in life on my own at the age of 15.
Then came the most terrifying news of my life a few years down the road. My wife at the time was pregnant.
I was a wanna be black fat fucking kid in desperate search of some kind of direction, love and meaning in life and out on my own trying to make it.
Now I’m supposed to be a father?????
I NEVER HAD A FATHER.
“YEAH, HOE” ~ Juicy J (in basically every song he has ever recorded from 1994 until his dying breath)
THIS NOT GOOD ADVICE TO BE A FATHER.
WHAT THE FUCK DO I FUCKING DO????
Then I heard her heartbeat.
Till this day I can still close my eyes and remember every single thing about that doctors office down to the perfume that was ex wife was wearing when I heard the sweetest little thumps that changed my life forever.
And even though that heartbeat sparked a change in me, I still had no clue on what to do. I had horrible anxiety attacks leading up to her birth. I cried plenty of nights from the fear of failing as a father.
But when my little girl came into the world crying in the most precious way and when I was finally able to see what I helped create and then when that little girl gripped my finger when I held her for the first time….
A father awoken inside of me.
Every single bad lesson I was taught by example as a kid. Every horrible memory that I hated from my childhood. Every time that I thought to myself, “being a kid shouldn’t be like this”.
It all made sense.
I went through all of that, to be a father. I went through all of that shit so that way my beautiful angels would never be exposed to any of that shit.
I’m not a perfect father by a long shot, but God fucking damn it, my kids know and anybody who knows me knows; that being a father to my children is what I was meant to be in life.